GARDY LOO! passed through Norman, Oklahoma in the summer of 1992, and John & Matt put them up after MULTIPLE CHOICE opened the gig at Kelly's Bar & Grill. I hung out for a while, but the dudes were kinda weird, really metal and I didn't drink, so I left pretty quick. The next year, when my band with Matt hit the road, we hit them up for a show in Florida, and what followed was one of the more bizarre nights I've had on tour. Ben (GARDY LOO! guitarist) had been in the Metal Blade band NASTY SAVAGE, and the show we played with them attracted a small but devoted crowd of metal fans...including actual women. Two of these women came with us to Ben's place after the show, and fucking the dudes from GARDY LOO! was clearly the only thing on their mind. Instead of kicking us to the curb in favor of some fine Florida metal babes, the fellas wanted to party with us, and we drank (well, everyone but me) and talked shit and watched TV while the girls waited patiently for their turn. Bassist Rich put in a videotape he thought we would like...it was home spliced footage of his cat...then there was another cat...then they were licking each other's assholes, which was funny, and we all laughed. Then the video cut to Rich and his girlfriend...licking each other's assholes (maybe it was just a regular boring 69? It was nearly 20 years ago, and I can't really remember whether it was buttholes or sexy bits). And then some hilarious home editing: cats/people/cats/people...you get the idea - the dude was showing us the home porn movies he had made, which is kinda weird...but still the girls waited. They were there to get laid, and no home 69 video was going to stop them. The video continued, and then the Young Wizard saw his first shit-eating film. Without going into details, the quote from that eye opening motion picture that sticks with me to this day is: "It's wonderful Mistress, but...too much cracker and not enough shit." The girls were nauseated (as were we all), but STILL they waited. And when the tape was over, instead of shooing us off to bed so they could get into some hot metal girl action, Rich said: "You guys wanna watch the shit eating part again?!" and started to rewind without waiting for a response. The girls were fed up - clearly, to the dudes in GARDY LOO!, images of the consumption of excrement were more appealing than the promise of actual sexual conquest, and the girls were not about to play second fiddle to a German poo enthusiast any longer.
Obviously, I shared this cassette as an excuse to share a childish tale about dirty movies and the unrealized potential of rock 'n roll related sexual conquest, but fans of neanderthal thrash metal rejoice, because these Florida home movie enthusiasts crank out some legitimate fist banging anthems (remember, this is the axeman from NASTY SAVAGE). Sure, it's dumb as shit, but sometimes heavy metal is stupid, and sometimes that's when it is the best.
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